.jpg)
10.) Don't Be An Incomplete Party And Insist On Sitting Immediately: So, let me get this straight. You say you will have a party of 20, but there are only 2 of you here now, and it is of the utmost importance that we put 4 tables together now and let you take up prime real estate while we wait 90 minutes for the other 18 members of your party to arrive. Sure, no problem, who wants to make money tonight? Not this guy. Oh, nothing to drink yet, just waters with extra lemon. What's that you say? No appetizers? You're just going to wait until everybody gets here. Awesome.
Nobody wants to hear that shit! I could have turned those table 3 times before your "friends" got here. Unless the 20th member of your party is Johnny Depp, you're probably costing me money, homie. Now go ahead and have a seat at the bar and wait for your friends to arrive like normal people. Go on now, get!
9.) Don't Order A Fu-Fu Drink And Complain You Can't Taste The Alcohol: Here's the scenario, you're grown man that orders a strawberry daiquiri, and when you drink it, you get mad because you can't taste the alcohol. I'm sorry, I thought the whole point of ordering a strawberry daiquiri or something of that fruity nature is to mask the taste of alcohol. Excuse me, sir, but in my opinion the drink had plenty of alcohol. Before you got the drink, you were a pussy ordering a drink meant for a lady. Now, after ingesting some of it, you suddenly have the balls to complain about its alcohol content. That's a clear example of relaxed inhibitions, a tell tale sign of drunkenness.
8.) Don't Say You're Ready To Order When You're Not: Listen, if you need more time, it's totally cool, I get it. I too have a bunch of other shit to do. I will come back when you are ready. What is the point of making me stand there in silence while you frantically thumb through the menu hoping that something magically jumps out at you. If the point you are trying to make with this maneuver is that you are stellar at annoying the shit out of your server, then well played, sir or madam.
7.) Don't "Camp-Out": Hey, aren't you the same guy complaining that you had to wait an hour to be seated? You didn't understand why people couldn't just eat and leave so other people can sit down. You've eaten now, and you've been done for a half hour, and yet you are still sitting at my table while others are waiting. Hey asshole, the more tables I get, the more money I make. You sitting at my table playing with the sugar packets while talking to your dumb friend about how Disney is going to ruin Star Wars isn't getting me anymore tables. Get the hint already, I've only asked you if you needed anything else about 20 times in the last 7 minutes. Take your nerd fest elsewhere, I got bills to pay.
6.) Don't Misquote The Amount Of People In Your Party: "Sorry, I know you seated us here because I told you there were only 6 of us in our party, but we just had 15 more people show up. Can you get us another table?" Hey Dummy, it's 8:30 on a Saturday night, and we are on a 2 hour wait. Where would you like me find another table? You mean to tell me that you didn't have the slightest inkling that your party would triple in size? C'mon, man!
5.) Don't Take Pride In Being Annoying: "I feel bad for you, we are going to be a difficult party." Rarely is that a joke. The people who lead with that are usually a headache. You hope they won't be, but they are. Why do people think that excuses them from having any remorse for being "that" table. It's not cute or funny. That's like being at the alter on your wedding day and your future spouse tells you that they are going to annoy and nag the shit out of you for the next 50 years, and then they actually proceed to do it. How shitty would that be? Very! If you're going to be annoying, don't just tell me, let me find out for myself.
4.) Don't Have A Business Meeting At My Table: There is nothing worse than serving a table that makes you feel like you're an inconvenience just for giving them service. God forbid I get you a refill or bring you the food that you ordered. Take that shit to Starbucks or Panera.
3.) Don't Ask Me What I Like: In a perfect world, everyone would have a server that actually cared about their choices in entrees. Once again that's in a perfect world. In that world, strippers actually think you're cute and the government actually works in your best interest. Not up in here. I give zero f*cks what you decide to eat. My favorite thing on the menu is always the most expensive item. Is there some kind of misconception floating around out there that says servers pick their places of employment based on what they like to eat. Sorry, but I only picked this place because I'm not trying to starve...period. I mean, let's face it, all restaurants pretty much have the same food nowadays.
2.) Control Your Kids: If I walk up to a table and see your kid standing up on the booth, jumping up and down, and dumping out my sugar caddie, I already hate you. I will minimize my contact with you and try and get you out of my hair as quick as possible. People around you are trying to enjoy a quiet meal, while junior keeps jumping over to their booth sticking his hands in their mashed potatoes while you do nothing but whisper "stop". If that's the best you can do as a parent out in public, give that 2 year old up for adoption now or stay your ass in the house.
1.) Don't Think Your Religious Choices Allow You To Abstain From Tipping: Please stop using Jesus, Jehovah, Buddah, Allah, and all the rest of them as excuses for not tipping. You are just cheap and suck as a person, so just own up to it. For some reason, I don't think JC would think its cool to have some poor soul wait on you hand and foot and not be compensated. At least have the balls to state your "religious beliefs" as soon as you sit down, and not wait until you see how expensive the bill is. That would at least allow us to match the quality of service to the expected compensation.
Also, those little bookmarks and pamphlets you leave in lieu of gratuity only make us hate you and your 'beliefs" more. Especially the ones that look like actual money, that's just being a dick and rubbing it in.
Alright, episode 2 is now complete. Go out and share this to all your friends, especially those who exhibit this type of behavior. You're welcome.
No comments:
Post a Comment