Fall TV Preview: 7 Best Returning Characters

Can you smell it? The smell of new fall TV, and so far it's scent smells free of Gordon Ramsey, ugh nevermind there's a Master Chef kids edition. Really though, how many shows does that man need? He's like a mean Dick Clark in a chef's jacket.

This is the time of the year old standards return, and the networks try to cram new characters down our throats. Call me old fashioned, but I don't know about the six of you that read this blog, but when I choose to regularly include show into my television viewing habits, I'm in it with said show's characters for the long haul, so it takes a lot for me to allow a new one in my life. It's all about commitment, people!

To show you who I hold dear to my TV viewing heart, I devised a list of my favorite characters from shows I watch that are returning this fall.

(Sidebar #1: Keep in mind I said "returning this fall", so I don't want to hear any of that "What about Workaholics?" shit. They don't start up again until next year.)

(Sidebar #2: Keep in mind I said "shows I watch", so I don't want to hear any of that "What about Sons of Anarchy or Walking Dead?" shit. You can get mad if you want to, but they don't see the light of day on my DVR.)



"But Jon," you ask, "why only 7? A standard list consists of 10 subjects." Normally, I would answer that question something along the lines of "Beat it geek, this is my shit! I'll do what I want!" As fun as it is to say shit like that, this time I have an actual answer for you. There were 10, but due to The Office and 30 Rock ending their respective runs last season, I lost three pieces of my heart characters on the list (Dwight Schrute, Liz Lemon, and Jack Donaghy). I couldn't desecrate their memories by simply adding three more characters to the list, so I just left the slots open.

Lets see what future candidates to this prestigious list have to to contend with, shall we?

7. Phil Dunphy, Modern Family (played by Ty Burrell)

This guy is the ultimate corn ball TV dad and I love it. Maybe I needed more hugs as a kid...I don't know, but what I do know is I love me some Phil. The running "gotta fix that step" joke was just as funny as any running joke on Arrested Development. The magical thing about Phil is that the cornier he gets, the funnier he is. Burrell plays this character so well, that it will get to the point that we will only see him as Phil Dunphy. Good for us, probably bad for Ty.





6. Al Capone, Boardwalk Empire, (played by Stephen Graham)

Graham plays the original Scarface to a tee. Much like Robert DeNiro did with the Capone role in The Untouchables, he makes Alphonse come off as very likable before he hits you with that sociopathic rage. I would love to see HBO do a spin-off show solely based on Al Capone's rise to power, but only if Graham is in, or else I'm out.






5. Abed Nadir & Troy Barnes, Community, (played by Danny Pudi & Donald Glover)

Uh oh, a two-fer. This is not because I couldn't decide between the two, its because I believe that these two characters are so intertwined that if there were no Troy, there would be no Abed, and vice-versa. They are the ying to each others' yang, they need to be together. Troy without Abed, to quote the great Oran "Juice" Jones, "is like Corn Flakes without the milk!!!"  By the way, they are both funny as shit.




4. Rafi, The League, (played by Jason Mantzoukas)

How does one describe Rafi? Rafi is that disgusting & uneducated pervert that you openly hate, but deep down inside you love him and envy his freedom. Jason Mantzoukas was the perfect person to play Rafi's character. I don't know if it's the over-abundance of body hair, but he himself just looks unclean, like if he coughed on you, you would contract herpes immediately. That's how an actor commits to a character ladies and gentlemen!







3. Ron Swanson, Parks & Recreation, (played by Nick Offerman)

In the hierarchy of manly men mustaches, Ron Swanson would fall somewhere between Chuck Norris and Tom Selleck. The Ron Swanson Pyramid of Greatness is just pure genius, and I myself try to live by most of it. Ron Swanson is more than just a mere character on TV, he is a hero.









2. Kenny Powers, Eastbound & Down, (played by Danny McBride)

Kenny "F*ckin'" Powers. I follow Kenny Powers on Twitter (@KFUCKINGP). I repeat, I do not follow Danny McBride on Twitter, I follow the spoof account of the character he plays on television. That is how much I love KP. Its like he wants your sympathy, but will do nothing to earn it or redeem himself. In all fairness, as a viewer you don't want him to redeem himself. America needs Kenny Powers to be the contemptuous asshole that he is, there can be no other way.







1. Schmidt, New Girl, (played by Max Greenfield)

In a show that has an all-around great ensemble of characters, Schmitdt is the crown jewel. Greenfield portrays the shit out this cocky bastard! Only Kanye West could do a better job of displaying this high of a level of insecure arrogance. From the "douche bag" jar to the penis injury, Schmidt gives you a weekly workshop of why he's the most loveable (insert synonym for douche bag here) on television today.



Well there you have it television programmers, this is who your new characters have to match up against to win their way into my heart. Do Rebel Wilson, Andy Samberg, or Seth Green have what it takes to make the cut? We'll see this fall. You're welcome.