A wise man once said "fuck hashtags and retweets, 140 characters in these streets." Please hold your Solange jokes till the end. Streets aside, there are just as many, if not more, characters in the restaurant game. In television, if a series is lucky enough to have multiple seasons, the first season will serve as an introduction to main characters and basic mindsets, while season 2 gives the audience a deeper analysis of the lesser known characters in the storyline.
In the new season of OITNB, you'll learn more about secondary characters like Crazy Eyes and Poussey, so let me educate you on some of the psychos that are serving you food nowadays. All bullshit aside, I just want to ridicule some of the knuckle-heads I've run across during my time in "the industry." Let's start the show.
Ms. Snooty Booty: You fancy, huh?!?! Excuse my french, but I really can't stand this bitch. This girl walks around like she's a lesser known Kardashian, but with more ego than Kanye. Simple conversation doesn't exist with this chick because she assumes small talk is you hitting on her (cue Outkast's Roses). She can't serve her way out of a wet paper bag, but her looks keep her at 20%. The clock's ticking though. Homegirl better develop a personality because looks eventually fade and boobs eventually droop.
The Flip-Flop: This MFer can't decide if they are broke or not. They come in to the shift with a shitty sob story about how much they need to work and why they need to make money. Then an hour later, they turn around and volunteer to be first cut, stealing your cut, and somehow you're closing. Nope, I'm not bitter...not bitter at all.
The Door Knob: If I need to explain the terminology, stop reading immediately and punch yourself in the face. Sorry ladies, but a female plays this role more times than not. On the bright side, the Door Knob is usually a cool chick. She likes sports, can handle her liquor, knows the Contra cheat code, etc. When the staff goes out for drinks after a long shift, you might want to make sure after hours is at your place, because the Door Knob only lives by 2 rules: 1) she doesn't drink and drive, 2) she doesn't sleep on the couch. Just don't get attached, the Door Knob has a short memory.
Dudley Do-Right: Always making everyone else look bad by staying on top of their side work and running the most food. The worst part is that they do it with a big shit-eating smile on their face. Haha, but the jokes on you over-achieving piece of shit. Everyone knows that in the service game, hard work only gets rewarded with more work. Enjoy being the next character's bitch.
Nitpicking Manager: You see this manager in the vicinity, pretend to work or scatter. This guy or gal has no big picture perception. He or she believes that every time you make a drink without a full glass of ice or you don't ring up that free side of ranch, you are costing the company millions of dollars. Hey asshole, if you cut me an hour ago like you were supposed to, neither of us would be in this predicament. Eat shit and lick your lips (shout out to Tim McCarty).
Jailbait Jane: All toned from cheerleading in the fall and poms in the winter, this young, over-developed tenderoni on the brink of adulthood picked up a hosting gig to save up for her prom dress. Sweet girl, but dumb as a box of rocks. Your dumb ass will still get fooled into lengthy conversations about Skrillex, Snapchat, or whatever dumb shit that has kids hypnotized nowadays. Most servers know better, most bartenders don't. Just don't bring up Facebook, they don't do Facebook anymore, don't embarrass yourself.
Douchey McPour-a-Pint: This ass-hat, usually a dude, has either seen Cocktail one too many times (which would be one time), or really thinks he's that cool. Flipping bottles like a high school baton twirler got him laid once, and somehow he's turned it into a douchey lifestyle. This is usually the same cat that will bring an acoustic guitar to a house party, or takes his shirt off on the dance floor at the club. Just a cool vibe killer. Watch out Jailbait, Douchey McPour-a-Pint definitely has his eyes on you.
Rapey Rodriguez: I didn't mean for that to sound racist...wait...yeah, I kind of did. Rule number one of the back of the house: all kitchen staff are perverts...ALL OF THEM!!! No matter if you're a guy or a girl, you bend over to pick something up, best believe you're getting air-humped by Pablo from behind. Keep in mind that Mr. Rodriguez speaks fluent English, and he is not asking you how your day is en espanol, he's telling you where on your body he wants to spill his seed. Gross for you, hilarious for the rest of us who passed freshman Spanish.
The Creep: Please don't confuse the rapey cooks with creeps. Rapey cooks serve a purpose, they are funny. The Creep's only purpose is to be weird and make everyone uncomfortable. The Creep can kill a conversation with merely their presence.This touchy-feely bastard is always a dude, a dude with a story to tell, but if he wasn't so goddamn creepy, we'd probably listen. More than likely, the Creep has a homemade doll made out of Jailbait's loose hairs. Keep your awkward unwanted back rubs to yourself, you twisted fuck.
Keep an eye out for the outtakes and the director's cut. Till season 3 my friends. You're welcome.
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