Momma's Men

Is it safe to come out yet? Is the worst over, or is it still yet to come? Its been 3 weeks since the debacle formerly known as the 2016 United States Presidential Election came to a shocking close and most of the world is still coping with the results. When the smoke cleared, Bill's wife didn't have enough in the tank to take out The Donald a.k.a. Kanye White.

While most of us brace ourselves for either a "new" America or a regression of tolerance in our country, I think the glaring question that most rational citizens are asking is "what did the results of this election say about our country?" Is 50% of our country's population really racists? Was America not ready for a woman president? Is pussy grabbing okay? To those questions I would have to answer yes, no, and no...sometimes, but that's just my opinion.

Was I shocked? Initially, yes. But once I got a chance to really reflect on things, I realized it all made sense. America can be personified as a single mother that still dates, who either picks the wrong guy or doesn't recognize when she meets Mr. Right. Let me explain.

I was raised in a single parent home, and my mom stayed active on the dating scene and she had a few boyfriends while I was growing up. I wouldn't say she had a "type" because each gentleman was a unique from his predecessor and his successor. Since I was born, the United States has almost unwillingly done the same thing.

Let's say the U.S. hit the dating scene in 1979, the year I was born. Her tumultuous relationship with Jimmy Carter was coming to an end, and everyone but Jimmy knew it. It's not that Jimmy wasn't a nice guy, he was just the wrong guy at the wrong time. He never had enough money, some of his kids got kidnapped in Iran, and he didn't allow his girl to take a summer trip to Russia. The Russia trip was kinda the last straw.

Near the end, there was this older guy from Cali coming around. Now Ronnie used to be an actor, so he had money and charm. He guaranteed that no one would be able to hurt Momma America again. Ronnie Reagan officially moved his shit in with us at the beginning of 1981. He was way more conservative than Jimmy and Momma America's behavior started to reflect that. She started ignoring her black friends and started saying no to partying.

Ronnie seemed cool sometimes, even though he was old. Shit, he even helped break down the wall for a trip to Russia. Near the end of their relationship, Ronnie's friends got caught up in some bad deals that he may have been involved in. She caught him up in some lies, and even though he swore it wasn't him, it was time for Momma America to move on.

She still kinda dug Ronnie's style, so she linked up with his best friend George Bush. George had to work hard to gain Momma's trust, which meant distancing himself from Ronnie. Ronnie understood, so there was no beef. George had a lot in common with Ronnie, seeing they were best friends for 8 years. George seemed like a good dude, but he had a tough time keeping his promises and he was kind of a wimp. He tried to deflect from his wimpy persona by picking on that small Middle Eastern kid, Saddam. Don't get me wrong, Saddam was a prick and deserved everything he got, but we still saw right through Georgie's behavior. Near the end of their relationship, George just got embarrassing to go out with. One time at a dinner, he threw up on one of Momma's Japanese friends. Momma had to let him go sooner than most of her other men.

Momma soon found herself a little bit younger slick-talking dude from Arkansas, Bill Clinton. Bill was a ladies man and he could not stay faithful. Even before he started dating Momma, there a few women from his past trying to tell Momma he was a dog, she didn't listen though and still let him move in. He promised he changed his ways, and it seemed it he did, until one day this lady named Linda Tripp called Momma and told her that her friend Monica gave Bill a BJ...in Momma's house! Momma was upset! She wanted to kick Bill out that day, but he talked himself into staying, for a few more years anyway.

Bill eventually hit the road, he ended up moving to Harlem of all places. Momma couldn't choose her next boyfriend as easily as she did Bill. She was torn between Al Gore, Bill's best friend for the past 8 years, and her ex's son George Jr. George Jr. like to be called Dubya. Even though Dubya wasn't as smart and experienced as Al, Momma chose Dubya. Al was kinda boring, and Dubya liked to party. Shit he even did a little coke back in college. Al couldn't accept this decision at first and fought long and hard for Momma to change her mind, but it didn't work and eventually Al fell back and Dubya moved in.

Everything seemed cool with Dubya at first. He took us on a TON of vacations when he first moved in. We didn't even really mind his weird homie, Dick Chaney. Dick was a straight G though. He once shot a guy in the face and nobody said shit. One day in September of the first year he moved in with us, shit got really real and some thugs from across the ocean tried to hurt Momma, but Dubya had none of that and went after everyone who even looked like the dudes that did it. That made Momma feel safe, but Dubya fed into Momma's fears and became a control freak and took control of our house like no one had ever before. He put camera's everywhere, started listening to all of our phone calls, and told lies to pick fights with people. Through all this, Momma let him stay a little while longer.

Things started to get really bad after that. Money started coming up missing, our house lost value, and his friends started getting involved in shady shit, especially Dick. It's like he stopped caring. We had some friends down south in Louisiana who got flooded out of their homes and lost everything. He could of helped out, but he didn't do anything. Shortly after this, Momma decided it was time for a "change."

After years of being strictly vanilla, Momma decided it was time to dip into the chocolate and dated Barack Obama. She met this cat from Chicago, who originally caught her eye a few years back at a party in Boston, but she was still with Dubya, so she couldn't act on it. She definitely kept an eye on him though and made her move when the time was right. Barack had a tremendous amount swagger Momma hadn't seen in years. Even with his "yes we can" attitude, Barack had a lot of haters. After he moved in, people tried to get Momma to kick him out by saying he wasn't allowed to be in the house because he wasn't born here. He just proved the haters wrong.

Momma let him stay, but it seemed at times that she wasn't even convinced that he was a truly a good dude. I thought it was because he was black, but she always denied that. He tried to fix all the shit that Dubya left broken in the house when he just up and left, but that still wasn't enough. The man that scared Momma on that crazy September day, he found him and took care of him, still no love. He even got everyone in the house insurance, which we never had before, Momma still wasn't impressed.

Eventually, Barack and Momma decided it was best to part ways. Barack is still at the house, but he is moving out after the holidays in January. Momma never really seemed to fully appreciate Barack and everything he did for the house, but I sure did. Besides all the shit he tried to fix around the house, he was just a cool ass dude. He was funny, he would hoop with us, and he had a lot of cool friends. Not everything he tried to accomplished worked out, but at least he tried, which is a lot more than I can say for the previous men in Momma's life. I think after some time, Momma will realize that she didn't treat Barack as good as she should have and that she should have done more to help him out, but by then he'll will have moved on. It's a shame, I really liked him and I could tell he genuinely liked us back. But as they say, que sera, sera, or some shit like that.

Anyway, back to Momma. She went through some changes while she was with Barack. She decided the next person she was going to be with would be, in some way or the other, the complete opposite of Barack. Shit, she even flirted with the notion of dating a woman for a little while there, but changed her mind at the last minute and decided to date this old, rich white guy named Donald Trump.

Nobody really saw Momma being with a guy like Donald. Hell, I don't even think Donald thought Momma would choose him. He really has had no experience with someone like Momma, but she decided to go with him anyway. He's insensitive to those who are not like him and he likes to bully people. He promised to make Momma "great" again, whatever that means. He's supposed to move in after Barack moves out, but for some reason it still seems up in the air. I guess we'll see in January. Either way, I don't think Momma will keep him around too long, she seems like she's sick of his shit already.