I decided to go off-list today and just pick something that
sounded interesting without researching it or looking at its Rotten Tomatoes score.
I simply read the description, saw that it wasn't too long and went for it hoping
to be impressed but understanding I probably wouldn't be.
I was not.
Entry #7: Are You Scared?
The inquisitive nature of the title is not meant for me (the viewer) but I'll go ahead and answer it anyway:
No. I was not scared. I wasn't scared when this film was called Saw. I wasn't scared of Cube (although I enjoyed that very much), and I wasn't scared of Halloween: Resurrection. Combining those three films with a smaller budget and horrible writing, directing, acting and editing does not make for a scary or even enjoyable film. Not that you care about my enjoyment...
I know it's not "professional" to call a film a rip-off but this... I don't believe this is deserving of professionalism. Plus, I'm no professional, so...suck it, movie.
Let me make one thing clear: I have no problem with people being derivative as long as they bring some originality into it and
what they create is still enjoyable. It's near impossible to be 100% original
anyway. But, according to my calculations, this film is just under 8% original
and that < 8% was not enjoyable.
Are You Scared? was written and directed by Andy Hurst who,
seven years prior, wrote and directed You're Dead... (Clearly, he's a fan of punctuation in his titles) Now, I've never seen
You're Dead... but I have heard of it. It stars John Hurt and Rhys Ifans and
has a good-enough IMDb rating. I don't know if Hurst pissed off the wrong person or just got lucky once but
everything seems to have gone downhill for him since making that film. Other
than Are You Scared? most of his credits include straight-to-video releases and
sequels to films that shouldn't have been made in the first place.
What bothers me most, though, is that an
"accomplished" writer/director would make something like this. I
expected to look it up and find that it started as a film school project that
found backing and was the first release by some up-and-comer. It only served to
increase my distaste.
I don't want to spend this whole time complaining though.
I'll give a short review so I don't have to spend too much more time thinking
about this mess.
The film starts off with various people waking up in a
dingy, abandoned warehouse. Once they all find each other they are contacted, through
video, by the man orchestrating the ordeal. He tells them they are all
contestants on a reality show that they all submitted entry videos to some time
in the past. From there, they each have to pass a test based on what they said
they were most scared of in their video. This test always involves some
lesser-of-two-evils type of situation where they face their fears but both
options result in death; one merciful, one not.
At the same time, there is a clichéd, hard-nosed detective
and a clichéd forensics scientist tracking the reality show's host. Apparently,
he's been doing this for a few years.
Once the field is narrowed and the true reason behind these
lessons is revealed, everything just stops making sense. It almost becomes a
different movie altogether. There's a more personal vendetta going on with one
of the contestants that makes all the others from this season (and seasons
past) seem absolutely pointless. As if they were only there to show off the
"inventive" traps and fill the feature film running time quota.
Now, if it turned out that this was, in fact, a student short film turned full length release and it was released before 2004 I would be talking about how, despite some amateurish writing and acting the creator is definitely onto something. I would be urging everyone to check it out because it would be the beginning of a new horror sub-genre. But it was 2006. What's worse is that Lions Gate distributed both films. I know they're just trying to make a buck any way they can but I'm shocked that they would support a blatant rip-off of one of their own films, especially so soon after the first. It's not like it has a popular actor or some other draw. There's absolutely no salability
My advice: Start the movie, strap yourself into a chair with
a halo brace bolted to it, complete with one of those eye-opening rigs they use
in the movies, but keep one hand free. With that hand you can either use a
spoon to gouge out your own eyes or put the batteries in the remote and turn
off the TV. However, there are four batteries and the remote only requires two.
The correct combination of batteries will turn off the TV but also activate a
timed explosive device mounted to the halo brace. I've hidden the remote to the
explosive inside your skull, just behind one of your eyes. You will have to use
the spoon to find out which one. And then, using the other two batteries...you know what, fuck it. I'll just sell the idea to Lions Gate.
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