31(ish) Horror Films in 31 Days: Day 8 - Hatchet

You know how when one of your favorite songs from when you were a teenager comes on and all you can think about is listening to the whole album or, in some cases, every album from that time? For me it's the 90s grunge genre. Any time I hear an old song from Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains, Soundgarden, or Nirvana, nothing else sounds appealing to me until I burn through a megamix of all those albums. Well, ever since I watched and reviewed The Hole I've had a yearning for some old school horror. Watching that movie and being a bit let down left a void that I haven't yet had a chance to fill.

Today was a pretty busy day and tomorrow looks to be the same, so, I might have to settle for a couple of review/recommendations. In an attempt to quell my appetite for 80s horror I'm going to recommend a film that makes me feel the way those grunge bands do about music.

31(ish) Horror Films in 31 Days: Day 7 - Are You Scared?

I decided to go off-list today and just pick something that sounded interesting without researching it or looking at its Rotten Tomatoes score. I simply read the description, saw that it wasn't too long and went for it hoping to be impressed but understanding I probably wouldn't be.

I was not.

Entry #7: Are You Scared?

The inquisitive nature of the title is not meant for me (the viewer) but I'll go ahead and answer it anyway:

No. I was not scared. I wasn't scared when this film was called Saw. I wasn't scared of Cube (although I enjoyed that very much), and I wasn't scared of Halloween: Resurrection. Combining those three films with a smaller budget and horrible writing, directing, acting and editing does not make for a scary or even enjoyable film. Not that you care about my enjoyment...

I know it's not "professional" to call a film a rip-off but this... I don't believe this is deserving of professionalism. Plus, I'm no professional, so...suck it, movie.

31(ish) Horror Films in 31 Days: Day 6 - The Hole

I started with three straight first-watch film reviews and then followed it up with two recommendations of things I'd already seen. I refuse to fall to .500 on the year so I made sure today was a new one instead of just another recommendation. After all, a big reason behind this increasingly difficult endeavor was to watch more movies, especially horror movies. If I spend the whole month talking about past experiences I'll leave no time for new ones and negate the original purpose altogether.

It's not that I'm not enjoying the ride; I'm glad you small handful of people are actually taking the time to read these and I hope you get something out of it as well. It's just that, instead of using my recently-acquired slices of free time for lazing about and watching movies etc., I've just added to my to-do list and have, possibly, found myself with less free time than before. Some of us are just wired that way, I guess.

But who knows? Maybe I'll grow addicted to one-sided conversation and find other things to talk about after October comes to an end. Or perhaps I'll just smash my fingers with a hammer and force myself into early retirement.

31(ish) Horror Films in 31 Days: Day 5 - Trick 'r Treat

Today was the one day this week that I figured I wouldn't be able to watch/review a new horror movie. The planets must have been in a shitty alignment over the last couple days because yesterday was taken from me as well. As it happens...the planets must've read my last review/recommendation and felt bad for me because I managed to get both of my children to take naps around the same time. This opens up at least an hour, sometimes two hours, for me to do as I please.

And then....a massive thunderstorm rolled through and kicked all of those freshly realigned planets in the balls. I was allowed 35 minutes to myself before I was rejoined by my nearly six year old daughter who made me turn off Frankenweenie just a few months ago. Clearly she is not ready for what I was watching today.

So, since I'm not about to review the first 1/3 of the film, I'm forced to write a review/recommendation of another film I've already seen. I COULD finish the movie and MAYBE write a review before I fall sleep but this Scotch is bound to kick in before then. Plus...I hear GTA Online has been fixed. So......

31(ish) Horror Films in 31 Days: Day 4 - The Changeling (1980)

It seems as though yesterday's chaos is spilling over into today and I'm left with only a short amount of time and that time involves little children. Needless to say...I won't be watching a horror film this day. I could probably watch one after they've gone to bed but I wouldn't 'have time to also write a review of it.

So, I've decided that on days like this, I will utilize this soapbox to review/recommend some of my favorite horror films that I think everyone should take the time to watch if they haven't already done so.

31(ish) Horror Films in 31 Days: Day 3 - Room 237

Well, It's a good thing today didn't happen yesterday. I woke up thinking I'd be able to get some work done while drinking coffee in my boxer shorts. Not boxer briefs, mind you...

Okay...I'm going to go on a tangent here about boxer briefs because I don't see how any man can wear those things and I know a couple who do. Don't ask why I know....just stick with me here. Now, I don't know if I just generate more heat than most dudes but whenever I wear them it feels like I'm wearing a campfire with an elastic waistband. It is seriously, uncomfortably warm down there. Like...I could be sitting, spread-eagle, in front of a fan on Hoth and it would still be a balmy 1200 degrees down there. If Han had to choose between a freshly-deceased Tauntaun and ME...he'd shove Luke right down into my crotchspace without a second thought. (Please hold your jokes about them "smelling bad...on the OUTSIDE!!)

Anyway...what I was getting at was that I thought it would be a pretty relaxing day and it turned out to be anything but. If you read my review for The Loved Ones you'd know why today could not have happened yesterday.

Luckily, today happened today. And, while it tried its best to derail my perfect record, I'm determined to get this review out by midnight (CST) and retain the glory that I, and a tiny amount of friends, even know exists.

31(ish) Horror Films in 31 Days: Day 2 - The Loved Ones

Two films in two days. Perfect record so far. Just twenty-nine more to go and I can scratch another item off of my bucket list that doesn't actually exist. Although, if it DID actually exist, and one of the items was "Drink 21 Fingers of Scotch and One Beer Within 7 Hours Without Vomiting" I could scratch that one off, too. Unless there was a responsibility clause that stated "Must be done without locking yourself out of your apartment the next day...you dumb dildo."

Yes, that actually happened...

31(ish) Horror Films in 31 Days: Day 1 - American Mary

Well, it's October. My favorite month of all the months. The leaves are donning their Autumnal outfits and preparing for their annual decent into oneness with Earth. The fall/winter clothes get taken out and the summer clothes get pushed toward the back of the drawer to begin their much-deserved peaceful slumber after another job well done. Halloween decorations are put out, whole aisles at department stores take on a black-ish\orange-ish glow and are constantly spilling over with laughing children...and I vow to only watch films containing blood, guts, axes, murder, dismemberment, mutilation, disembowelment, machetes, bare-handed strangulation, impalement, stoning, stabbing, chainsaws, demons, monsters, witches, werewolves and zombies. No wait...FUCK zombies. I'm so sick of god damn zombies already. That fad needs to die and NOT come back!

Moving on...

I hereby begin my first annual "31(ish) Horror Films in 31 Days* - Where I watch and Review One(ish) Horror Film a Day(ish) For 31 Days (excluding zombie films...because fuck zombies...)!"