Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Chronicles of a Half-Assed Heroes Show

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. isn't a bad show, it's just not a good show.  I thought it was cool that they had a cameo from Samuel L Jackson as Nick Fury and Cobie Smulders as Maria Hill, but those are the highlights of the series.  Other than that, the show is pretty ordinary.

As a nerd, I would have loved it if at least one character on the "team" was an established Marvel character. I get that they want "new blood," to be free from nerd scrutiny, but minor characters should be fair game. Not even one super power on the team!  Lets take look at the characters we're stuck with.

Daily Throwback: Ruff Ryders - Scenario 2000

The Shuffle God is ruthless for this one! This posse cut had me going bonkers when it dropped. It was featured on Eve's 1999 debut album, Let There Be Eve: The Ruff Ryders' First Lady. That's how dope it was, it made me buy Eve's album...yes people, I once spent money on an E-V-E album. This song was originally supposed to be a remix of Jay Z's summer anthem from that year, Jigga, My N*gga, which was produced by the Ruff Ryders' very own Swizz Beats, but I guess Hov was late to the studio that day to record his verse. The song was still the definition of fire, and made my 1987 Chevy Barreta feel like it was a fully loaded Hummer when this song exploded through the speakers. You got something to get off your chest? Listen to this, and all the weight will be lifted. You're welcome.

A.D.D. Report: NBA 2013 Tip-Off

Opening night in the NBA has come and gone, and it did not disappoint (well my Bulls did).

Nirvana's In Utero, 20 years later.

Nirvana was my favorite band growing up.  It was my "gateway drug" into music. I was (am) a late bloomer, and I remember one day, playing GI Joes on my driveway with my friend Todd, and a kid came down with a cassette single for Smells like Teen Spirit he was looking to get rid of.  After a few minutes of negotiations, I decided that the Single was worth about 2 GI Joes, and a trade was made.  It ruined me forever.

2014 Rock & Roll Hall of Fame: LL Cool J vs. N.W.A

I haven't posted in a while, so here you go. I feel a little rusty, so if it reads a little forced, fuck off and keep your opinion to yourself. Keep in mind that I am an artist, and I'm sensitive about my shit (Badu voice). Let's get to it, shall we.

A tell-tale sign that you are getting old is when you recognize the names of majority of the nominees for the 2014 class of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. This year I have actually heard music from 11 out of the 16 nominees...damn I'm old.

Not all of the acts will make the cut. Nirvana, Deep Purple, and Kiss are clear cut favorites to make it into the 2014 class. With the committee inducting a hip-hop/rap act in each of the past two years (Public Enemy in 2013, and the Beastie Boys in 2012), I'm guess that trend will continue for the 2014 inductees.

What that means is that one spot will belong to either LL Cool J or N.W.A. On paper, that sounds like an epic battle, but in actuality, I believe there is no question who truly deserves the honor. The world's premier lip-licker, James Todd Smith a.k.a. Ladies Love Cool James, is hands down better than N.W.A.

Bleacher Report: Horace Grant: "You Can't Compare Anybody to Michael"

Finally, in a world where it has become cool to hate on the greatness that is Michael Jordan, his old teammate has come correct. Maybe it's his way of redeeming himself to Bulls' fans for jumping ship to play with Penny and Shaq in Orlando when MJ retired the first time. Maybe it's an undercover jab at Scottie Pippen for not bowing down and respecting the legacy of the Great Deuce-Trey and saying LeBron could be better. Whatever it is, I like it. Preach, Horace, preach! You're welcome.

Bleacher Report: Horace Grant: "You Can't Compare Anybody to Michael"

New Music: Aloe Blacc - Love Is The Answer (produced by Pharrell)

I remember a few years ago this man was telling us how he needed a dollar, now he's doing songs with Pharrell.  Looks like he got that dollar and then some. Love Is The Answer is from Aloe Blacc's Wake Me Up EP, and I am REALLY feeling it. Aloe's voice has that powerful and gruffy Roy Ayers/Bill Withers vibe to it that I dig. As for the beat, (I hate to do it to you again, Pharrell, but...), it has the perfect blend of bounce and groove to it, but it kind of sounds like Pharrell borrowed from, stole from, paid homage to parts of Herb Alpert's 1979 jazz classic Rise.

It might sound familiar because Diddy also borrowed, stole, sampled, Diddy-ed elements of it for The Notorious B.I.G.'s 1997 hit Hypnotize. Great minds think alike, I guess. Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal to me, but Pharrell kind of annoyed me when he played the Vanilla Ice card when he was questioned about his last allegations of musical theft (the eerie similarities between Robin Thicke's summer smash Blurred Lines and Marvin Gaye's classic Got To Give It Up). Here's what he told the Associated Press last month:

"If you read music, all you have to do is read the sheet music, it's completely different. [Marvin Gaye] is the king of all kings, so let's be clear about that, and we take our hats off to him. But anybody that plays music and reads music, just simply go to the piano and play the two. One's minor and one's major. And not even in the same key."

Now, I can understand than no artist wants their creativity questioned, but at the same time, don't discredit the intelligence of your audience. Just admit it, you like to borrow from legends. We get it, Rise and Got To Give It Up are infectious jams, you couldn't help yourself.

All of that aside, I really like this song, and if you value my musical opinion you will too. You're welcome.

Who's Ready for the New Season of The Walking Dead?!...Not This Guy!

OK, after my GTA V induced hiatus, I'm back.  This will probably be a little more complain-y than my previous posts, so bear with my nerd rants a little.

Warning: This blog post contains SPOILERS, TV and Comic Book References.
(Reader Discretion is Advised)

I am a huge fan of The Walking Dead, a comic book from Image comics, created by Robert Kirkman.  It is probably my most favorite comic book series to date.  The series is essentially about one man, Rick Grimes, and the effect the zombie apocalypse has on him and his family.  It deals with how much society and day-to-day life change after something impossible destroys our world as we know it.  This is a dark book.  People die. I worked it out not too long ago, and there was a rough average of one person dying per issue. This accounts for wars and nameless people too, but still, with 115 issues, that is a ton of people getting killed off. This might not sound like a lot, but this is also the "end times," where people are scarce, and these are people dying "on camera."

All that being said, I am NOT a huge fan of The Walking Dead, a television show that airs on AMC, created by Robert Kirkman.  I really honestly thought that Kirkman having a major role in the TV development would make the show amazing.  I was way wrong.  Where do I start?

New Music: Childish Gambino - Yaphet Kotto

Childish Gambino a.k.a. Donald Glover a.k.a. Troy Barnes is at it again, and thank god. In preparation for the release of his sophomore album, Because The Internet, the childish one hits us with this jewel. Currently, the hot trend in hip-hop is to name your song after a buzz worthy public figure (ex: Miley Cyrus, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, etc...), which is why I think it's AWESOME that CG named this song after a supporting actor in 80s action flicks that nobody today could name. While I've got your attention, Google Yaphet Kotto, and you will find one of the ugliest black actors in history. He literally looks the way his name sounds.

Back to the song. This is pure hip-hop. A mellow beat decorated with creative and witty punchlines, similes, and metaphors. Childish Gambino is probably my sixth favorite rapper out there right now; right behind Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, and...umm...oh yeah...Dylan (Chappelle reference, it's okay to giggle, people). This song is exactly what the game is missing. Don't just take my word for it, give a listen for yourself. You're welcome.

31(ish) Horror Films in 31 Days: Day 8 - Hatchet

You know how when one of your favorite songs from when you were a teenager comes on and all you can think about is listening to the whole album or, in some cases, every album from that time? For me it's the 90s grunge genre. Any time I hear an old song from Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains, Soundgarden, or Nirvana, nothing else sounds appealing to me until I burn through a megamix of all those albums. Well, ever since I watched and reviewed The Hole I've had a yearning for some old school horror. Watching that movie and being a bit let down left a void that I haven't yet had a chance to fill.

Today was a pretty busy day and tomorrow looks to be the same, so, I might have to settle for a couple of review/recommendations. In an attempt to quell my appetite for 80s horror I'm going to recommend a film that makes me feel the way those grunge bands do about music.

31(ish) Horror Films in 31 Days: Day 7 - Are You Scared?

I decided to go off-list today and just pick something that sounded interesting without researching it or looking at its Rotten Tomatoes score. I simply read the description, saw that it wasn't too long and went for it hoping to be impressed but understanding I probably wouldn't be.

I was not.

Entry #7: Are You Scared?

The inquisitive nature of the title is not meant for me (the viewer) but I'll go ahead and answer it anyway:

No. I was not scared. I wasn't scared when this film was called Saw. I wasn't scared of Cube (although I enjoyed that very much), and I wasn't scared of Halloween: Resurrection. Combining those three films with a smaller budget and horrible writing, directing, acting and editing does not make for a scary or even enjoyable film. Not that you care about my enjoyment...

I know it's not "professional" to call a film a rip-off but this... I don't believe this is deserving of professionalism. Plus, I'm no professional, so...suck it, movie.

31(ish) Horror Films in 31 Days: Day 6 - The Hole

I started with three straight first-watch film reviews and then followed it up with two recommendations of things I'd already seen. I refuse to fall to .500 on the year so I made sure today was a new one instead of just another recommendation. After all, a big reason behind this increasingly difficult endeavor was to watch more movies, especially horror movies. If I spend the whole month talking about past experiences I'll leave no time for new ones and negate the original purpose altogether.

It's not that I'm not enjoying the ride; I'm glad you small handful of people are actually taking the time to read these and I hope you get something out of it as well. It's just that, instead of using my recently-acquired slices of free time for lazing about and watching movies etc., I've just added to my to-do list and have, possibly, found myself with less free time than before. Some of us are just wired that way, I guess.

But who knows? Maybe I'll grow addicted to one-sided conversation and find other things to talk about after October comes to an end. Or perhaps I'll just smash my fingers with a hammer and force myself into early retirement.

31(ish) Horror Films in 31 Days: Day 5 - Trick 'r Treat

Today was the one day this week that I figured I wouldn't be able to watch/review a new horror movie. The planets must have been in a shitty alignment over the last couple days because yesterday was taken from me as well. As it happens...the planets must've read my last review/recommendation and felt bad for me because I managed to get both of my children to take naps around the same time. This opens up at least an hour, sometimes two hours, for me to do as I please.

And then....a massive thunderstorm rolled through and kicked all of those freshly realigned planets in the balls. I was allowed 35 minutes to myself before I was rejoined by my nearly six year old daughter who made me turn off Frankenweenie just a few months ago. Clearly she is not ready for what I was watching today.

So, since I'm not about to review the first 1/3 of the film, I'm forced to write a review/recommendation of another film I've already seen. I COULD finish the movie and MAYBE write a review before I fall sleep but this Scotch is bound to kick in before then. Plus...I hear GTA Online has been fixed. So......

Daily Throwback: Jay Z ft. UGK - Big Pimpin'

I'm thinking the Shuffle God might be saying he's down to party tonight with this selection. This classic reminds me of nothing but good nights.This song once brought my man Tito back from the dead (I won't go into any details, Tito is a family man and a small business owner nowadays). Ahhh...the good ol' days. Oh, what I would give for one more summer of no responsibilities and bad decisions. Reminisce with me. Wait, don't forget about the video. Two words: 1) Gloria 2) Velez. You're welcome

31(ish) Horror Films in 31 Days: Day 4 - The Changeling (1980)

It seems as though yesterday's chaos is spilling over into today and I'm left with only a short amount of time and that time involves little children. Needless to say...I won't be watching a horror film this day. I could probably watch one after they've gone to bed but I wouldn't 'have time to also write a review of it.

So, I've decided that on days like this, I will utilize this soapbox to review/recommend some of my favorite horror films that I think everyone should take the time to watch if they haven't already done so.

Bleacher Report: 6 People with the Most to Prove...Not Named Derrick Rose

Saturday night will be the first time D-Rose steps on the court since Tom Thibodeau left in that playoff game too long. We forgive you, Thibs.

I'm so excited about the upcoming NBA season, I wrote an article about it. Like to read it? Here it go...

6 People with the Most to Prove...Not Named Derrick Rose

You're welcome.

31(ish) Horror Films in 31 Days: Day 3 - Room 237

Well, It's a good thing today didn't happen yesterday. I woke up thinking I'd be able to get some work done while drinking coffee in my boxer shorts. Not boxer briefs, mind you...

Okay...I'm going to go on a tangent here about boxer briefs because I don't see how any man can wear those things and I know a couple who do. Don't ask why I know....just stick with me here. Now, I don't know if I just generate more heat than most dudes but whenever I wear them it feels like I'm wearing a campfire with an elastic waistband. It is seriously, uncomfortably warm down there. Like...I could be sitting, spread-eagle, in front of a fan on Hoth and it would still be a balmy 1200 degrees down there. If Han had to choose between a freshly-deceased Tauntaun and ME...he'd shove Luke right down into my crotchspace without a second thought. (Please hold your jokes about them "smelling bad...on the OUTSIDE!!)

Anyway...what I was getting at was that I thought it would be a pretty relaxing day and it turned out to be anything but. If you read my review for The Loved Ones you'd know why today could not have happened yesterday.

Luckily, today happened today. And, while it tried its best to derail my perfect record, I'm determined to get this review out by midnight (CST) and retain the glory that I, and a tiny amount of friends, even know exists.

31(ish) Horror Films in 31 Days: Day 2 - The Loved Ones

Two films in two days. Perfect record so far. Just twenty-nine more to go and I can scratch another item off of my bucket list that doesn't actually exist. Although, if it DID actually exist, and one of the items was "Drink 21 Fingers of Scotch and One Beer Within 7 Hours Without Vomiting" I could scratch that one off, too. Unless there was a responsibility clause that stated "Must be done without locking yourself out of your apartment the next day...you dumb dildo."

Yes, that actually happened...

31(ish) Horror Films in 31 Days: Day 1 - American Mary

Well, it's October. My favorite month of all the months. The leaves are donning their Autumnal outfits and preparing for their annual decent into oneness with Earth. The fall/winter clothes get taken out and the summer clothes get pushed toward the back of the drawer to begin their much-deserved peaceful slumber after another job well done. Halloween decorations are put out, whole aisles at department stores take on a black-ish\orange-ish glow and are constantly spilling over with laughing children...and I vow to only watch films containing blood, guts, axes, murder, dismemberment, mutilation, disembowelment, machetes, bare-handed strangulation, impalement, stoning, stabbing, chainsaws, demons, monsters, witches, werewolves and zombies. No wait...FUCK zombies. I'm so sick of god damn zombies already. That fad needs to die and NOT come back!

Moving on...

I hereby begin my first annual "31(ish) Horror Films in 31 Days* - Where I watch and Review One(ish) Horror Film a Day(ish) For 31 Days (excluding zombie films...because fuck zombies...)!"