Black is the New Orange: Episode 3...The Return...Again

Welp, after a brief disappearance, I'm officially back in the restaurant game. Fuck me, right? This time around, the game has definitely changed, and much like mainstream hip-hop, not for the better. I have come in contact with a few new characters this time around, and with this long awaited third installment of Black is the New Orange, I'm gonna introduce their stankin' asses to you...all of my fans...all three of you (hi mom).

For the lames out there that aren't familiar with my previous BITNO entries, click here for Episode #1 and here for Episode #2. 

Before we get into the the official roll call, let me lay down a quick disclaimer. If any of my current co-workers identify with any of the characteristics of anyone I am describing, please DON'T get offended and get stuck in your feelings because you THINK I am probably talking about you. Please DO get offended and get stuck in your feelings because I DEFINITELY AM talking about you. Ya'll are some goofy cats, me included, just embrace it.  

Also, don't take this as a statement of me saying I'm better than all you, because I don't think that at all. Mathematically speaking, I would have to say that ratio would have to be that I am better than 9 out of 10 of you, with a margin of error of one.

It was tough categorizing this bunch. It's almost like old school versus new school, with neither group being particularly more tolerable than the other. The old schoolers are just grizzled, bitter, entitled, and , lazy; while the new schoolers are lazy, entitled, lazy, dumb, stupid, and don't let me forget...LAZY. 

I haven't written something like this in a minute, so I might be a little rusty. I just want you to keep in mind that I am an artist, so I am sensitive about my shit. 

Without further ado, let's start the show...

MR/MS HIGH HORSE: 

Real quick to tell you how so-and-so is super lazy while blatantly ignoring the call for food runners. This delusional and arrogant motherfucker really believes the building will crumble in their absence. They really think they are the hardest worker in the building, yet nobody actually sees them do shit. All talk and no walk.  

MR/MS IDGAF: 

My favorite! How you gonna come in 23 minutes late for your shift and the first thing you do is order food to eat? How you gonna take naps at work...with tables? How you just gonna stand there and let me pass out your table's food? How you gonna add 22 Snaps to your story in 20 minutes, but you can't ice once? 

How are you gonna tell me how slow lunch was, and how you only had one table, yet the back of the house is fucked up, nothing is stocked, and ain't no silverware rolled? Come the fuck on you lazy piece of shit. How am I coming in at 5 PM and doing all the opening sidework?

I dread running food to your tables because I know I'm going to be getting refills and all kinds of other shit because your ass is on your twelfth smoke break of your 5 hour shift. I get it, there are some days I just don't want to bring the A-game and coast until I get cut, but damn, EVERY GOD DAMN DAY??!?!! 

Oh, don't let me forget my favorite part of the shift which is when you get cut and you ask the closer if there's anything they need you to do. Yes, bitch, your job! Fuck, I don't know whether to be resentful or impressed by your consistency on giving zero fucks about having zero work ethic. 

THE MOST INTERESTING SERVER IN THE WORLD: 

The funniest, most talented motherfucker that you never heard of or wanted to hear. This cat's musical tastes are on a level that only Jesus, John Lennon, and Kanye West can comprehend. If you aren't watching the TV shows they are watching, then you just aren't watching TV right. Have you seen any movie based on a book? Best believe the book is better than the movie and this motherfucker read it.

Pop quiz! What will this pretentious son of a bitch scoff at you for today? A) Not drinking some nasty ass craft beer that tastes Donald Trump's dick sweat; B) Not recognizing an obscure one-liner from some mediocre comic with a shitty podcast; C) Not knowing the jiu-jitsu style being used by the Brazilian with the 5-18 record fighting in the prelims at UFC 645; D) All of the above. The answer is D...its fucking D. 

MR/MS WOULDYOUWANNA...?: 

No, I don't want to switch your Monday lunch with my Friday night. No, I don't want to work your Thursday double. No, I don't want to close and let you take my early cut. Bitch, can I just work MY schedule and be left alone? Damn! (P.S.- Mass texts are fucking annoying.)

TOUGHY McPOUTSALOT: 

Let's get this straight. It's not "I ain't taking no shit from nobody" or "I'll do what I want" if you storm off like Red in Friday when Deebo jacked the chain that his grandmomma gave him, stand in a corner with your arms crossed and your bottom lip hanging below your chin, and fight back tears like a thirteen year old white girl at a Justin Bieber concert. That's just a grown ass human being pouting like a little prepubescent kid. Not a good look, fix your face and tuck your lip back in.

MR/MS ME TOO: 

This person wants to be accepted more than a roll of quarters at a titty bar. Listen. You were accidentally funny once and made me laugh, now somehow we are friends and shit. Listen, you seem like a nice kid, and I want to like you, I really do. But just stop. You don't need to butt into every conversation. Half the time you butt in, and don't even know what's being discussed. Just blurting out random shit for the sake of talking, or laughing at a joke you missed to seem down. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. I got a billion-trillion things that I'd rather fuckin' do.

I'M NOT RACIST, BUT...: 

This just in...I am not this restaurant's official representative for the Black race. Please stop asking me why Black people don't like mushrooms, need their steaks well done, or like pink lemonade. You don't really have to tell me about that one Black table that gave you a good tip, despite what you thought going into the table. Is that supposed to inspire me? Was that our Obama bonding moment? Also, if you need to know the definition for "lit" or "turnt" so badly, have some class about yourself and go to Urban Dictionary.

SHITTY McSUCKS: 

Oh man! You refuse to remove the "new" label from your forehead. It's like every shift is your first shift. In an industry where the more people you have working the easier the shift should be, your existence makes every aspect of my job life more difficult.

I get it, retaining information is not your best quality. Elmo hasn't discussed the notion of multi-tasking on Sesame Street yet, so how would you know? But come the fuck on, if you ask me whether or not the Philly cheesesteak comes with cheese and don't understand why I spend the next 5-10 minutes viciously roasting your Simple Simon ass, we have bigger issues here. You have 3 options; 1) Quit. 2) Learn your trade. 3) Constantly be carrying a travel pack of Kleenex because my goal is to see tears. Like Biggie said "don't be mad, UPS is hiring." I mean come on, "cheese" is in the fucking name of the sandwich!

Alright, I got most of that shit out of my system...for now. I'm sure I left out a few people. Maybe I'll put them on blast for episode #4, or maybe I'll get a real fucking job and put this shit behind me...again. 

Probably lost a few friends with this one...ah well. Everything I wrote is all love, no harm intended, this is just how I cope with working with you crazy motherfuckers. It's either this, or blow that bitch up with everyone in it...the choice is yours. So to quote the great Big Daddy Kane, "if your name ain't Jermaine, don't take it personal." You're welcome.