Carmelo Anthony, All-NBA small forward, has decided to spurn the advances of the Houston Rockets, the Los Angeles Lakers, and the Chicago Bulls and keep his talents on the floundering New York Knicks. Money Over Everything.
With this decision, Carmelo pretty much has solidified that he will not win a championship in the NBA in the capacity of being a star player. Anthony shared his decision to stay in New York via a written essay released by The Source Magazine. QuickBlurb has obtained an official copy of the release. You're welcome.
"Before anyone ever cared where I would play basketball, I was a kid from New York. It’s where I walked. It’s where I ran. It’s where I cried. It’s where I bled. It holds a special place in my heart…blah, blah, blah. It’s where I could get the most money. Melo likes money.
Today, I am more paid than I was yesterday and I couldn’t be happier. Yeah, I could have went elsewhere and won more games, but honestly, losing is not that bad. There are so many perks to losing. I don’t have to play D, the coach eventually stops talking, and if we are losing by enough early, I can take the last quarter off. So relaxing. Melo likes to relax.
Listen, winning championships is cool, I guess, if that’s your thing. I’m a cash guy. Cash Rules Everything Around Me! (Method Man voice). I can’t spend “rings” on Giuseppe shoes and iPhone 8s, that shit costs cold hard cash, son! So what if Patty Mills has a ring, ask Patty Mills if he’s ever been to Jurassic Park. Melo hasn’t because it doesn’t exist, but if it did, best believe that Melo has enough paper to be sitting shotgun next to Jeff Goldblum on the next helicopter to the island to go raptor hunting. Raptor meat is delicious, but your broke asses don’t know nothin’ about that. Melo likes to eat exotic species.
The best part about re-signing with New York is now that Phil Jackson is there, the pressure is all on him. I can lose as much as I want now, and all the media will say is “The Zen Master built a bad team.” It’s his legacy on the line, not mine. Melo likes misdirected aggression.
I already have every excuse in the book lined up for why we will lose 50 games next season. We have a head coach that just finished playing a month ago, we traded our best defensive player away for peanuts, and we a team full of guards. Not Melo’s fault. I’ll still get mine. I can see the headline now: “Melo Breaks Single Season Scoring Record as Knicks Reach an All-Time Low For Futility.” Melo likes buckets.
I would end by telling you all how I plan to elevate the games of my teammates, but I honestly, I don’t even know who my teammates are. I might not even learn their names this season, it’s not like I will need call out their name to dish out an assist. Melo don’t pass.
To the Chicago, Los Angeles, and Houston organizations, thank you for the free dinners and all the attention. You weren’t really dumb enough to think I was gonna take less money just for an opportunity to win a championship? C’mon, bwahahahaha! Hashtag gullible.
I’m coming home…with a brand-spanking new, muthaphuckin’, shiny, candy painted Bugatti, bitches! Lala, put that chicken back in the freezer, Melo’s taking you out tonight!"
