The 2013 Video Music Awards (the VMAs for all you cool cats) aired on MTV (Music Television for all you old cats) this past Sunday, and I didn't watch. I'm sorry, I just refuse to legitimize a music award show produced by a network that has the word "music" in its name and devotes less than 10% of its programming to music, but that's another post for another time.
So there I was, watching Low Winter Sun on AMC (consider this my official endorsement), and around the 9:04 mark, all hell seemed to break loose on Facebook. The focus of the outrage, Miley "Don't Call Me Hannah Montana" Cyrus' performance.
"...so distasteful..."
"...what a slut..."
"...I had to have my kids leave the room..."
"...damnnnn!!!! White girl can twerk!..."
I have a wide variety of friends.
This encouraged me to hit up the old interweb, to see what all the commotion was about. Yes, it was distasteful & slutty. No, I would not want my child watching that performance. And yes, white girl can twerk.
Was it the worst thing I've seen I've seen on MTV, not at all. I once watched a full episode of Teen Mom that is still giving me nightmares. I'm sure it wasn't the worst thing all these outraged Facebookers have witnessed either. Hell, two or three performances later Lady Gaga pulled off the same exact stunt. albeit a better choreographed version (her and her crew went all Janet Jackson Control on us!). Why didHannah Miley's hoe-ish antics draw the ire out of so many viewers?
I needed to know the answer! Here are a few preliminary theories I had.
Is it the whole ex-Disney girl thing? Do Americans still really think that child stars are supposed to maintain pristine images into their adulthood? Have we not learned anything from Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes? I'd like to think we are smarter than that, so I scratched that theory off the list.
Was it a race thing? Is it not normal for Caucasians to see one of their own on TV making it clap like a WorldStarHipHop.com Honey (don't act like you don't know)? Nicki Minaj has damn there procreated on stage at an award show, and no one so much as bats an eye. Nope, scratch this theory too. Everybody knows racism stopped existing because everybody voted for Obama, right? At least that's the word on the street.
I needed the answer, so I watched the video one, two...18 more times (I had to be sure), when it hit me. American viewers weren't outraged at Miley, they were mad at themselves. When I see something that I know is going to disgust me, I usually look the other way or turn the channel. I guarantee all those who were
shocked and appalled watched all 6 minutes of her performance. From the moment she popped out of that giant creepy teddy bear till she molested Robin Thicke's junk with that foam finger that came out of nowhere, America stayed tuned. (While we're on the subject of Robin Thicke's junk, can we stop it with Blurred Lines already, Marvin Gaye is turning in his grave).
America loved every slutty second of it, and hated themselves for loving it. Anyone familiar with the world of farting should be familiar of the golden rule: WHOEVER SMELT, IT DEALT IT. Meaning the one that brings up the fact that there is a fart-like smell in the air, is usually the one who released the gas. What's the correlation between farts in this incident you ask. People were so quick to jump on Facebook and update their statuses to express their distaste with Miley's performance in an effort to disassociate themselves from the stink of watching the performance in its entirety and probably enjoying it a little.
What's the point of this post? Relax America! The world will still turns. Miley just gave you what you wanted. She knows America loves sluts. This country was built on sluts. From Pochantas to Marilyn Monroe. From Madonna to Monica Lewinsky. So the next time you pull out your phone to post some "slut-a-phobic" propaganda, just remember Miley didn't just pull that stunt for publicity and record sales, she pulled it for 'Merica. If she's not allowed to twerk half naked on stage and fondle white R&B singers in Beetlejuice suits, then the terrorists have won. You're welcome.
Was it the worst thing I've seen I've seen on MTV, not at all. I once watched a full episode of Teen Mom that is still giving me nightmares. I'm sure it wasn't the worst thing all these outraged Facebookers have witnessed either. Hell, two or three performances later Lady Gaga pulled off the same exact stunt. albeit a better choreographed version (her and her crew went all Janet Jackson Control on us!). Why did
I needed to know the answer! Here are a few preliminary theories I had.
Is it the whole ex-Disney girl thing? Do Americans still really think that child stars are supposed to maintain pristine images into their adulthood? Have we not learned anything from Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes? I'd like to think we are smarter than that, so I scratched that theory off the list.
Was it a race thing? Is it not normal for Caucasians to see one of their own on TV making it clap like a WorldStarHipHop.com Honey (don't act like you don't know)? Nicki Minaj has damn there procreated on stage at an award show, and no one so much as bats an eye. Nope, scratch this theory too. Everybody knows racism stopped existing because everybody voted for Obama, right? At least that's the word on the street.
I needed the answer, so I watched the video one, two...18 more times (I had to be sure), when it hit me. American viewers weren't outraged at Miley, they were mad at themselves. When I see something that I know is going to disgust me, I usually look the other way or turn the channel. I guarantee all those who were
shocked and appalled watched all 6 minutes of her performance. From the moment she popped out of that giant creepy teddy bear till she molested Robin Thicke's junk with that foam finger that came out of nowhere, America stayed tuned. (While we're on the subject of Robin Thicke's junk, can we stop it with Blurred Lines already, Marvin Gaye is turning in his grave).
America loved every slutty second of it, and hated themselves for loving it. Anyone familiar with the world of farting should be familiar of the golden rule: WHOEVER SMELT, IT DEALT IT. Meaning the one that brings up the fact that there is a fart-like smell in the air, is usually the one who released the gas. What's the correlation between farts in this incident you ask. People were so quick to jump on Facebook and update their statuses to express their distaste with Miley's performance in an effort to disassociate themselves from the stink of watching the performance in its entirety and probably enjoying it a little.
What's the point of this post? Relax America! The world will still turns. Miley just gave you what you wanted. She knows America loves sluts. This country was built on sluts. From Pochantas to Marilyn Monroe. From Madonna to Monica Lewinsky. So the next time you pull out your phone to post some "slut-a-phobic" propaganda, just remember Miley didn't just pull that stunt for publicity and record sales, she pulled it for 'Merica. If she's not allowed to twerk half naked on stage and fondle white R&B singers in Beetlejuice suits, then the terrorists have won. You're welcome.
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