Since I already hit you all with some of my pet peeves concerning restaurant managers, this edition I decided to make a top ten list of "don'ts" for being guests at a restaurant, we'll get to the lazy-ass co-workers at a later date. For some reason, people go out to eat and forget all basic etiquette and house training. You throw video games in the mix, and it becomes a complete system overload for some people.
Don't get me wrong, not all guests are dickheads, but it is the dickheads that make the lasting impressions. For the readers that have never worked in "the industry", please take heed of what I say. These 10 situations are the most annoying things for any server to experience. I numbered them, but they are all number one. Well, number one is actually number one, so I guess the other nine are all number two.
I've also included Biggie's Ten Crack Commandments instrumental to play as you read. Consider it a mood setter. Let us begin, shall we.
10.) Don't Let Your Toddler Order Their Meal: If your kid just learned how to formulate a sentence, don't ask him/her to make a dining decision while I'm getting triple sat. I give zero f*cks how ordering for themselves boosts your two year old's confidence and decision making skills, I got shit to do. Junior stuttering and trying to lisp out "chicken fingers" while I'm standing there like an idiot...ain't nobody got time for that.
9.) Don't Let Your Child Over-Engage Your Server: Once again, I give zero f*cks about little Jenny's dance recital. Serving is about time management, and your kid taking 2 minutes to spit out the words "gangnam" and "style" is not helping me get cold beers to table 34 (the drinking table that will probably tip better than yours) any quicker. Shut your kid up, before I correct his grammar and hurt his feelings.
8.) Don't Order Items That Used To Be On The Menu: "I came here last year and you guys had this thing that's not on the menu anymore...can you still make it for me?" Last year I had a day job, and didn't have to listen to your shit, so no, you can not have that defunct menu item. Why are you so special? Eat what is listed or go the f*ck home and cook. I'm sure you can find a comparable recipe on Pinterest.
7.) Don't Be "That" Vegetarian: Vegetarians are sometimes the biggest assholes. They act like they are doing us a favor by not eating meat, and it is our jobs to accommodate them at all costs. "What are your vegetarian options?" Anything on our menu without the meat. Save your scoffs, eat your meatless salad, and shut the f*ck up.
6.) Don't Ask Me If That Will Be "Enough" For You To Eat: I'm not your dietitian, I don't know you like that. My job is to get your bill as high as possible, so I think you need an order of wings, a cup of soup, and a dessert as well.
5.) Don't Ask Me To Compare Incomparable Menu Items: "Which one is better, the New York Strip or the chicken pasta?" Uh, I don't know, which one is more expensive. Those are on two opposite ends of the spectrum. Narrow it down a little, and then maybe I can help you...if I feel like it.
4.) Don't Order Food Based On The Picture: "It looks better in the picture?" Why yes, yes it does. Its called marketing, you f*ck. You lucky soul, your drivers' license photo is immaculate, your Big Mac is always 6 inches high, and the girls you meet on Facebook always look like their pictures. Eat the picture of the food in the menu and tell me how that tastes.
3.) Don't Tell Your Server What Other Restaurants Offer: You mean to tell me that T.G.I.Friday's has margarita glasses three times the size of ours? That place sounds awesome, why the hell are you here? I'm not going to pull an ultimate margarita glass out of my ass. If you like the "other" place so much, then bounce, it won't hurt my feelings one bit.
2.) Don't Threaten To "Send It Back" If You Don't Like It: If you're unsure whether you'll like item, don't f*cking order it, simple as that. Not that I'm trying to discourage anyone from trying new things, but if you do, don't blame us for you disliking it. That's a risk you took, not me. If you go to a grocery store and buy a new brand of cereal, and you bring it home and don't like it, you can't take that box of cereal back. You just chalk that up as a loss. Why would that be acceptable behavior in a restaurant?
1.) F*CKING BIRTHDAYS: Why do people go out on their birthday and expect free shit? I didn't give birth to you, ask your momma for a scoop of ice cream with a candle in it. "Do you guys sing for birthdays?" I don't know that mf'er, you do, you sing for him. "Can you embarrass my friend, its his birthday?" That's your homie, not mine. You jump through a hoop for him, I could care less...unless I can foresee a generous financial gain, then I might consider it. I would need the tip first, though. Just don't assume that a place does something for birthdays. To quote the late great Michael Clarke Duncan in The Slammin' Salmon, "when you assume, you make an ass out of yourself!"
Honorable Mention: Stop Telling Me I Look Like Sinbad: Stop it! Okay!
There you have it. Hopefully, I have provided some knowledge to some of you who are dining dickheads but didn't know it. You're welcome.
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