Week Sauce: Year End Edition

Welcome to the year-end edition of Week Sauce (yeah, yeah...Year Sauce doesn't have a ring to it, so fuck what you think.)

2013 was not all good. A lot of people/things/events tried to ruin the year for all of us normal folk. This year-end list will expose the 10 most despicable people that tried their best to make a mockery of my intelligence. I decided against assigning each entity a ranking because, let's face it, shit is shit. In my book the number one piece of shit is no worse than the number 10.

Before we get started, I know some of you will call me a "hater" or question my sense of humor, and to that I say you can get the dilz. 

Let's get started, shall we.

WacGyver, a reflection on how terrible MacGyver was.

This podcast is a bunch of nerds watching MacGyver episodes, and then laughing at how crazy they are.

Contributors on the first episode are Chris Rose, Jeff Donovan, and Tim Burke.

If you actually do listen to it, feedback is welcome.

Enjoy!

WacGyver Episode 1

A.D.D. Report: Bulls, Rhymes, and Life - 2013 Wrap-Up

The old cliche goes the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. The Chicago Bulls are in a state of insanity. I hear constantly from Bulls' fans that Derrick Rose needs help but when they can get him help by losing to be major players in the draft, those fans are against it.

Fans want them to make the playoffs, basically just to say they made it. Making the playoffs then getting bounced out gets you nothing. Where did it get the Bulls last year? It got Chicago all excited because they made it out the first round then won game 1 against the Miami Heat but then got swept after that. If you're a true fan of the Bulls, you should want the Bulls to miss the playoffs to give Derrick Rose a phenom rookie sensation. How do you think we got Derrick Rose in the first place? We missed the playoffs, that's how.

JP's Top 20 Songs of 2013

2013 is coming to a close, so what better time to force my opinions upon the masses. I mean, c'mon, who doesn't love a year end list? I don't know about you, but I'm a sucker for them. Since I have access to Wi-Fi, a laptop, and a barely read blog, I thought why not make my own.

My goal is to hit you guys with at least ONE different list a week, along with whatever the other dead beats that sometimes write for the blog decide to contribute. Between the new puppy and the craziness of the holidays, we'll see how that goes.

The first list is my top 20 songs of 2013.  You might recognize some of these from being featured in some way on the blog, others are new to the audience. Either way, you're welcome.

November Misses

Good afternoon, people. It is once again that time to show you the music you may have missed out on in November. Considering there were only 3 posts last month (one of them being October Misses), its safe to say we missed everything.

In my defense, there were only a total of 10 songs that were bookmarked for the list, so it was a slow music month. Like them or not, here are the 10 best misses from the previous month. You're welcome.

Kidd & (no) Play

I don't think anyone needs a reminder on how huge a NBA fan I am. But there is a difference between being a NBA fan and just being a fan of your home NBA team.

Usually "homer fans" can't be objective. They make excuses for their home team or apply logic to other teams but won't apply it to their own. Case in point: the Brooklyn Nets. Since my home team is the Chicago Bulls, I'm gonna use them as my example of this, but feel free to insert whatever team you love. Now, Jason Kidd is a first year head coach who has no prior experience. He was dealt, on paper, a projected top-4 Eastern conference team in the Brooklyn Nets. Unfortunately, before the season even started his starting point guard Deron Williams went down with an injury, so Kidd had to go through training camp and preseason without the "quarterback" of his team.

Daily Throwback: Eminem - The Way I Am

Looks like the Shuffle God wanted to prove a point with this one. With all this talk surrounding Marshall's current release, The Marshall Mathers LP 2, I have to fully disagree that it marks a return to his earlier form. Don't get me wrong, musically, it is a solid album, but there is no way it matches the emotional firepower of its' predecessor.

I hate it when rappers make a sequel of classic album and expect us as fans that it is an equal extension of the previous work of art. None of Jay Z's Blueprints came close to the original. Nas' Stillmatic was better than the three weed plates he released prior, but it wasn't even close to the lyrical greatness that was Illmatic. And don't get me started on Raekwon's Only Built 4 Cuban Linx 2...just don't.

Eminem is pushing 40, he's been successful for a while now, so there is no way we can expect him to recapture that hunger he possessed in his earlier days. MMLP2 has a lot of solid songs, but The Way I Am shits on all of them. Raw emotion. Eminem literally provided his fans with a window looking into his deepest thoughts.

This is one on Mr. Mathers realest tracks, and probably the first one that I truly connected with as a fan. I too am an asshole, so when Eminem said "I don't mean to be mean, but that's all I can be is just me" I totally related.  Bottom line, if you aren't fond of my asshole tendencies, don't exhibit the behavior of a dumb-ass. This wasn't a life choice, Em and I were born this way (no Lady Gaga...is that still cool, the contradictory "no" statement?...ah well). You're welcome.

October Misses

Its been while since I've been able to put something in the Misses file. You knew I was going to bring it back, seeing that I foreshadowed the success of Pharrell's Happy, Lana Del Ray's Summer Sadness, and Lorde's Royals I had a little bit of free time today, so I decided to hit you with the 10 best songs you might have missed out on in October.

There's a lot of good diversity on this list. I hate to admit it, but Justin Goddamn Bieber almost made the list with his Hold Tight track that he released last month. If this kid pulls a Timberlake on me, so help me god!

Anyway, let's begin shall we. Oh yeah, before I forget, you're welcome.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Chronicles of a Half-Assed Heroes Show

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. isn't a bad show, it's just not a good show.  I thought it was cool that they had a cameo from Samuel L Jackson as Nick Fury and Cobie Smulders as Maria Hill, but those are the highlights of the series.  Other than that, the show is pretty ordinary.

As a nerd, I would have loved it if at least one character on the "team" was an established Marvel character. I get that they want "new blood," to be free from nerd scrutiny, but minor characters should be fair game. Not even one super power on the team!  Lets take look at the characters we're stuck with.

Daily Throwback: Ruff Ryders - Scenario 2000

The Shuffle God is ruthless for this one! This posse cut had me going bonkers when it dropped. It was featured on Eve's 1999 debut album, Let There Be Eve: The Ruff Ryders' First Lady. That's how dope it was, it made me buy Eve's album...yes people, I once spent money on an E-V-E album. This song was originally supposed to be a remix of Jay Z's summer anthem from that year, Jigga, My N*gga, which was produced by the Ruff Ryders' very own Swizz Beats, but I guess Hov was late to the studio that day to record his verse. The song was still the definition of fire, and made my 1987 Chevy Barreta feel like it was a fully loaded Hummer when this song exploded through the speakers. You got something to get off your chest? Listen to this, and all the weight will be lifted. You're welcome.

A.D.D. Report: NBA 2013 Tip-Off

Opening night in the NBA has come and gone, and it did not disappoint (well my Bulls did).

Nirvana's In Utero, 20 years later.

Nirvana was my favorite band growing up.  It was my "gateway drug" into music. I was (am) a late bloomer, and I remember one day, playing GI Joes on my driveway with my friend Todd, and a kid came down with a cassette single for Smells like Teen Spirit he was looking to get rid of.  After a few minutes of negotiations, I decided that the Single was worth about 2 GI Joes, and a trade was made.  It ruined me forever.

2014 Rock & Roll Hall of Fame: LL Cool J vs. N.W.A

I haven't posted in a while, so here you go. I feel a little rusty, so if it reads a little forced, fuck off and keep your opinion to yourself. Keep in mind that I am an artist, and I'm sensitive about my shit (Badu voice). Let's get to it, shall we.

A tell-tale sign that you are getting old is when you recognize the names of majority of the nominees for the 2014 class of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. This year I have actually heard music from 11 out of the 16 nominees...damn I'm old.

Not all of the acts will make the cut. Nirvana, Deep Purple, and Kiss are clear cut favorites to make it into the 2014 class. With the committee inducting a hip-hop/rap act in each of the past two years (Public Enemy in 2013, and the Beastie Boys in 2012), I'm guess that trend will continue for the 2014 inductees.

What that means is that one spot will belong to either LL Cool J or N.W.A. On paper, that sounds like an epic battle, but in actuality, I believe there is no question who truly deserves the honor. The world's premier lip-licker, James Todd Smith a.k.a. Ladies Love Cool James, is hands down better than N.W.A.

Bleacher Report: Horace Grant: "You Can't Compare Anybody to Michael"

Finally, in a world where it has become cool to hate on the greatness that is Michael Jordan, his old teammate has come correct. Maybe it's his way of redeeming himself to Bulls' fans for jumping ship to play with Penny and Shaq in Orlando when MJ retired the first time. Maybe it's an undercover jab at Scottie Pippen for not bowing down and respecting the legacy of the Great Deuce-Trey and saying LeBron could be better. Whatever it is, I like it. Preach, Horace, preach! You're welcome.

Bleacher Report: Horace Grant: "You Can't Compare Anybody to Michael"

New Music: Aloe Blacc - Love Is The Answer (produced by Pharrell)

I remember a few years ago this man was telling us how he needed a dollar, now he's doing songs with Pharrell.  Looks like he got that dollar and then some. Love Is The Answer is from Aloe Blacc's Wake Me Up EP, and I am REALLY feeling it. Aloe's voice has that powerful and gruffy Roy Ayers/Bill Withers vibe to it that I dig. As for the beat, (I hate to do it to you again, Pharrell, but...), it has the perfect blend of bounce and groove to it, but it kind of sounds like Pharrell borrowed from, stole from, paid homage to parts of Herb Alpert's 1979 jazz classic Rise.

It might sound familiar because Diddy also borrowed, stole, sampled, Diddy-ed elements of it for The Notorious B.I.G.'s 1997 hit Hypnotize. Great minds think alike, I guess. Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal to me, but Pharrell kind of annoyed me when he played the Vanilla Ice card when he was questioned about his last allegations of musical theft (the eerie similarities between Robin Thicke's summer smash Blurred Lines and Marvin Gaye's classic Got To Give It Up). Here's what he told the Associated Press last month:

"If you read music, all you have to do is read the sheet music, it's completely different. [Marvin Gaye] is the king of all kings, so let's be clear about that, and we take our hats off to him. But anybody that plays music and reads music, just simply go to the piano and play the two. One's minor and one's major. And not even in the same key."

Now, I can understand than no artist wants their creativity questioned, but at the same time, don't discredit the intelligence of your audience. Just admit it, you like to borrow from legends. We get it, Rise and Got To Give It Up are infectious jams, you couldn't help yourself.

All of that aside, I really like this song, and if you value my musical opinion you will too. You're welcome.

Who's Ready for the New Season of The Walking Dead?!...Not This Guy!

OK, after my GTA V induced hiatus, I'm back.  This will probably be a little more complain-y than my previous posts, so bear with my nerd rants a little.

Warning: This blog post contains SPOILERS, TV and Comic Book References.
(Reader Discretion is Advised)

I am a huge fan of The Walking Dead, a comic book from Image comics, created by Robert Kirkman.  It is probably my most favorite comic book series to date.  The series is essentially about one man, Rick Grimes, and the effect the zombie apocalypse has on him and his family.  It deals with how much society and day-to-day life change after something impossible destroys our world as we know it.  This is a dark book.  People die. I worked it out not too long ago, and there was a rough average of one person dying per issue. This accounts for wars and nameless people too, but still, with 115 issues, that is a ton of people getting killed off. This might not sound like a lot, but this is also the "end times," where people are scarce, and these are people dying "on camera."

All that being said, I am NOT a huge fan of The Walking Dead, a television show that airs on AMC, created by Robert Kirkman.  I really honestly thought that Kirkman having a major role in the TV development would make the show amazing.  I was way wrong.  Where do I start?

New Music: Childish Gambino - Yaphet Kotto

Childish Gambino a.k.a. Donald Glover a.k.a. Troy Barnes is at it again, and thank god. In preparation for the release of his sophomore album, Because The Internet, the childish one hits us with this jewel. Currently, the hot trend in hip-hop is to name your song after a buzz worthy public figure (ex: Miley Cyrus, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, etc...), which is why I think it's AWESOME that CG named this song after a supporting actor in 80s action flicks that nobody today could name. While I've got your attention, Google Yaphet Kotto, and you will find one of the ugliest black actors in history. He literally looks the way his name sounds.

Back to the song. This is pure hip-hop. A mellow beat decorated with creative and witty punchlines, similes, and metaphors. Childish Gambino is probably my sixth favorite rapper out there right now; right behind Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, and...umm...oh yeah...Dylan (Chappelle reference, it's okay to giggle, people). This song is exactly what the game is missing. Don't just take my word for it, give a listen for yourself. You're welcome.

31(ish) Horror Films in 31 Days: Day 8 - Hatchet

You know how when one of your favorite songs from when you were a teenager comes on and all you can think about is listening to the whole album or, in some cases, every album from that time? For me it's the 90s grunge genre. Any time I hear an old song from Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains, Soundgarden, or Nirvana, nothing else sounds appealing to me until I burn through a megamix of all those albums. Well, ever since I watched and reviewed The Hole I've had a yearning for some old school horror. Watching that movie and being a bit let down left a void that I haven't yet had a chance to fill.

Today was a pretty busy day and tomorrow looks to be the same, so, I might have to settle for a couple of review/recommendations. In an attempt to quell my appetite for 80s horror I'm going to recommend a film that makes me feel the way those grunge bands do about music.

31(ish) Horror Films in 31 Days: Day 7 - Are You Scared?

I decided to go off-list today and just pick something that sounded interesting without researching it or looking at its Rotten Tomatoes score. I simply read the description, saw that it wasn't too long and went for it hoping to be impressed but understanding I probably wouldn't be.

I was not.

Entry #7: Are You Scared?

The inquisitive nature of the title is not meant for me (the viewer) but I'll go ahead and answer it anyway:

No. I was not scared. I wasn't scared when this film was called Saw. I wasn't scared of Cube (although I enjoyed that very much), and I wasn't scared of Halloween: Resurrection. Combining those three films with a smaller budget and horrible writing, directing, acting and editing does not make for a scary or even enjoyable film. Not that you care about my enjoyment...

I know it's not "professional" to call a film a rip-off but this... I don't believe this is deserving of professionalism. Plus, I'm no professional, so...suck it, movie.

31(ish) Horror Films in 31 Days: Day 6 - The Hole

I started with three straight first-watch film reviews and then followed it up with two recommendations of things I'd already seen. I refuse to fall to .500 on the year so I made sure today was a new one instead of just another recommendation. After all, a big reason behind this increasingly difficult endeavor was to watch more movies, especially horror movies. If I spend the whole month talking about past experiences I'll leave no time for new ones and negate the original purpose altogether.

It's not that I'm not enjoying the ride; I'm glad you small handful of people are actually taking the time to read these and I hope you get something out of it as well. It's just that, instead of using my recently-acquired slices of free time for lazing about and watching movies etc., I've just added to my to-do list and have, possibly, found myself with less free time than before. Some of us are just wired that way, I guess.

But who knows? Maybe I'll grow addicted to one-sided conversation and find other things to talk about after October comes to an end. Or perhaps I'll just smash my fingers with a hammer and force myself into early retirement.

31(ish) Horror Films in 31 Days: Day 5 - Trick 'r Treat

Today was the one day this week that I figured I wouldn't be able to watch/review a new horror movie. The planets must have been in a shitty alignment over the last couple days because yesterday was taken from me as well. As it happens...the planets must've read my last review/recommendation and felt bad for me because I managed to get both of my children to take naps around the same time. This opens up at least an hour, sometimes two hours, for me to do as I please.

And then....a massive thunderstorm rolled through and kicked all of those freshly realigned planets in the balls. I was allowed 35 minutes to myself before I was rejoined by my nearly six year old daughter who made me turn off Frankenweenie just a few months ago. Clearly she is not ready for what I was watching today.

So, since I'm not about to review the first 1/3 of the film, I'm forced to write a review/recommendation of another film I've already seen. I COULD finish the movie and MAYBE write a review before I fall sleep but this Scotch is bound to kick in before then. Plus...I hear GTA Online has been fixed. So......

Daily Throwback: Jay Z ft. UGK - Big Pimpin'

I'm thinking the Shuffle God might be saying he's down to party tonight with this selection. This classic reminds me of nothing but good nights.This song once brought my man Tito back from the dead (I won't go into any details, Tito is a family man and a small business owner nowadays). Ahhh...the good ol' days. Oh, what I would give for one more summer of no responsibilities and bad decisions. Reminisce with me. Wait, don't forget about the video. Two words: 1) Gloria 2) Velez. You're welcome

31(ish) Horror Films in 31 Days: Day 4 - The Changeling (1980)

It seems as though yesterday's chaos is spilling over into today and I'm left with only a short amount of time and that time involves little children. Needless to say...I won't be watching a horror film this day. I could probably watch one after they've gone to bed but I wouldn't 'have time to also write a review of it.

So, I've decided that on days like this, I will utilize this soapbox to review/recommend some of my favorite horror films that I think everyone should take the time to watch if they haven't already done so.

Bleacher Report: 6 People with the Most to Prove...Not Named Derrick Rose

Saturday night will be the first time D-Rose steps on the court since Tom Thibodeau left in that playoff game too long. We forgive you, Thibs.

I'm so excited about the upcoming NBA season, I wrote an article about it. Like to read it? Here it go...

6 People with the Most to Prove...Not Named Derrick Rose

You're welcome.

31(ish) Horror Films in 31 Days: Day 3 - Room 237

Well, It's a good thing today didn't happen yesterday. I woke up thinking I'd be able to get some work done while drinking coffee in my boxer shorts. Not boxer briefs, mind you...

Okay...I'm going to go on a tangent here about boxer briefs because I don't see how any man can wear those things and I know a couple who do. Don't ask why I know....just stick with me here. Now, I don't know if I just generate more heat than most dudes but whenever I wear them it feels like I'm wearing a campfire with an elastic waistband. It is seriously, uncomfortably warm down there. Like...I could be sitting, spread-eagle, in front of a fan on Hoth and it would still be a balmy 1200 degrees down there. If Han had to choose between a freshly-deceased Tauntaun and ME...he'd shove Luke right down into my crotchspace without a second thought. (Please hold your jokes about them "smelling bad...on the OUTSIDE!!)

Anyway...what I was getting at was that I thought it would be a pretty relaxing day and it turned out to be anything but. If you read my review for The Loved Ones you'd know why today could not have happened yesterday.

Luckily, today happened today. And, while it tried its best to derail my perfect record, I'm determined to get this review out by midnight (CST) and retain the glory that I, and a tiny amount of friends, even know exists.

31(ish) Horror Films in 31 Days: Day 2 - The Loved Ones

Two films in two days. Perfect record so far. Just twenty-nine more to go and I can scratch another item off of my bucket list that doesn't actually exist. Although, if it DID actually exist, and one of the items was "Drink 21 Fingers of Scotch and One Beer Within 7 Hours Without Vomiting" I could scratch that one off, too. Unless there was a responsibility clause that stated "Must be done without locking yourself out of your apartment the next day...you dumb dildo."

Yes, that actually happened...

31(ish) Horror Films in 31 Days: Day 1 - American Mary

Well, it's October. My favorite month of all the months. The leaves are donning their Autumnal outfits and preparing for their annual decent into oneness with Earth. The fall/winter clothes get taken out and the summer clothes get pushed toward the back of the drawer to begin their much-deserved peaceful slumber after another job well done. Halloween decorations are put out, whole aisles at department stores take on a black-ish\orange-ish glow and are constantly spilling over with laughing children...and I vow to only watch films containing blood, guts, axes, murder, dismemberment, mutilation, disembowelment, machetes, bare-handed strangulation, impalement, stoning, stabbing, chainsaws, demons, monsters, witches, werewolves and zombies. No wait...FUCK zombies. I'm so sick of god damn zombies already. That fad needs to die and NOT come back!

Moving on...

I hereby begin my first annual "31(ish) Horror Films in 31 Days* - Where I watch and Review One(ish) Horror Film a Day(ish) For 31 Days (excluding zombie films...because fuck zombies...)!"

Follower Critique: Tess Henley - High Heels & Sneakers

I haven't done one of these in a while. It's not that I haven't wanted to review one the blog's Twitter followers, its just that very few of my followers have intrigued me enough to listen to their music. It's an emotional roller coaster to say the least.

I get all excited when I get a notification that I have a new follower, then I see who it is, and it's somewhat disappointing. Its like, did you even look at the background of the type of music that is showcased on the blog? No, MC Such-n-Such, I do not want to hear your latest album titled Bitchez, Weed, Money, & Gunz.
As for you DJ Stank-Booty, I will not download your latest mixtape She Twerks Hard for the Money Vol. 14 (you see what I did there, elementary word play with the title of a Donna Summer classic).

Grand Theft Auto V Wrap-Up

I full on love Grand Theft Auto V.  I love all GTA games starting at III and up.

So, literally everyone is talking about this game.  Blogging, reviewing, writing, tweeting, updating, shouting from rooftops.....  you get my point.  I've seen people complain that, "other games with smaller budgets don't get this kind of coverage, so it's not fair, and that GTA doesn't deserve the praise."  Those people are what I like to call, "bitter dicks."

Daily Throwback: Nappy Roots - Awnaw

The Shuffle God's country cousin must of picked this one. I seriously haven't heard this cut in a minute. The Nappy Roots weren't the average run of the mill southern bumpkin rap group, which is why I liked them. While they were hot, I would have liked to have heard a collabo with them and Outkast, Goodie Mob, or anybody else who was a member of Atlanta's famed Dungeon Family crew. They seemed to be on the same musical wavelength as the DF Express. Hell, I'd kill for the members of Outkast to drop something together nowadays, but that probably won't happen. Awnaw's hook is so infectious, one listen will have you singing it in your sleep. You're welcome.

A.D.D. Report: Drake-ing Bad

Question: is AMC the new HBO?? HBO has had great luck with producing some all-time great dramas. The Wire, Oz, Sopranos...all classics! AMC has The Walking Dead and Breaking Bad. I like both shows (well I actually LOVE The Walking Dead).

I'm probably one of a few that thinks Breaking Bad is just ok. I guess I just expected so much more. I do admit a bias of liking zombies a hell of a lot more than drug cartels, but nothing tops a good old fashioned ruthless drug cartel. I thought his family would be in harm's way at least once in the storyline, but in 5 seasons neither the son, the daughter, nor the mother have ever been abducted or scratched. I mean the son is handicapped which is such an easy target in my opinion.

Fall TV Review: FOX Tuesday Night Line-Up

For the last 7-8 years, my favorite television viewing night of the week has been Thurday nights on NBC. With the departure of The Office and 30 Rock, that line-up has been decimated into fractions of what it used to be.

Don't get me wrong, I still love me some Parks & Recreation and Community, but two shows do not a prime-time line-up build. Don't you fret lil' NBC, if that Michael J Fox Show finds a way to formulate plots beyond Marty McFly's Parkinson's disorder and manage to be entertaining, you could find your Thursday night line-up back in my good graces.


So now my attention has been turned to the FOX Tuesday night line-up. I was already a huge fan of New Girl and The Mindy Project, so I planned on tuning in for at least an hour's worth of programming. They also added two more comedies backed by some intriguing credentials.

Batting lead-off is Dads, starring Seth Green, which is executive produced by Family Guy creator, Seth MacFarlane. In the number 2 hole is Brooklyn Nine-Nine, starring Andy Samberg and what looks like a tremendous ensemble on paper. Brooklyn Nine-Nine was created by key contributors to The Office and Parks & Recreation. 

On paper, this sounds like a can't miss night of comedy, but I have been disappointed before (damn you Will Arnett and David Cross for your stupid and unfunny Running Wilde). Last night was the season premier of FOX's re-vamped Tuesday night line-up, and here's my show by show break down.

Happy Birthday Nasir Jones

The man behind one of the top 5 greatest hip-hop albums of all-time turned 40 today.  I really can't believe, I've been listening to his music for almost 20 years. It really seems like it was yesterday I was ripping off the cellophane off the Illmatic cassette tape I just purchased from Tower Records (Google that, youngsters), eagerly popping it in my Sony Walkman (you might need to Google that as well), and just visualizing the street soliloquies Nasty Nas spoke in my mind.

Nas was one of the first rappers, for me at least, to really emphasize using imagery in his rhyme scheme. While many rappers could tell a story, Nas could literally paint a picture with his words.  It was like each song was a different scene from a movie he was scripting for Martin Scorsese to direct.

To this day, Nas is still a top tier rhyme-spitter. He has seen many come and go, and he still stands firmly atop of the pantheon of hip-hop greats.  To salute this legend on his born day, I have enclosed one all-time favorite Nas songs. You're welcome.

Fall TV Preview: 7 Best Returning Characters

Can you smell it? The smell of new fall TV, and so far it's scent smells free of Gordon Ramsey, ugh nevermind there's a Master Chef kids edition. Really though, how many shows does that man need? He's like a mean Dick Clark in a chef's jacket.

This is the time of the year old standards return, and the networks try to cram new characters down our throats. Call me old fashioned, but I don't know about the six of you that read this blog, but when I choose to regularly include show into my television viewing habits, I'm in it with said show's characters for the long haul, so it takes a lot for me to allow a new one in my life. It's all about commitment, people!

To show you who I hold dear to my TV viewing heart, I devised a list of my favorite characters from shows I watch that are returning this fall.

(Sidebar #1: Keep in mind I said "returning this fall", so I don't want to hear any of that "What about Workaholics?" shit. They don't start up again until next year.)

(Sidebar #2: Keep in mind I said "shows I watch", so I don't want to hear any of that "What about Sons of Anarchy or Walking Dead?" shit. You can get mad if you want to, but they don't see the light of day on my DVR.)

Fall TV Preview: Tim's Top 5 Newbies

So, to say I watch a lot of TV is a bit of an understatement.  Every Fall I get real frantic with my DVR, and bring it to capacity 3-4 times a week.  This Fall is no different, and with 5 new shows that I'm really looking forward to(not to mention the other 20-30 that I'll watch based on my addiction), I hope my DVR can take it.  Let's take a look at what I'm feeling this year.

Trailer: True Detectives (New HBO Series)

Goddammit, HBO! I just can't quit you!(no Brokeback) Every time I think I can escape your couch potato inducing clutches, you draw me back in.

This shit right here (Katt Williams voice...where is Katt by the way...any who) looks like the truth. I can't hate on Matthew McConaughey, even though he does need to start making more of a conscious effort to keep his shirt on. He's a good actor. Then you go and throw in Woody Harrelson? That just unfair! How do you expect me to break by Home Box Office addiction when you do shit like that? Woody is the man.

Well, I guess you got me locked in a little longer HBO, well played. I will be eagerly awaiting this drama series' debut in January. This looks like it could take the drama game back from AMC. In my opinion, McConaughey does his best work while working off dark scripted plots. I guess I found my hold over until network spring finale season.  You're welcome.

Daily Throwback: Cypress Hill - How I Can Just Kill A Man

The Shuffle God is feeling a little feisty with this one. Cypress Hill introduced me to a whole world of hip-hop with their first album, Cypress Hill. Hailing from California, Cypress Hill came out at time when it was too easy differentiate between West Coast and East Coast hip-hop, but refused to let their region define their sound. Both B-Real's nasal delivery and Sen Dog's booming ad libs are iconic sounds of hip-hop history. DJ Muggs production was second to none, and to this day his sound cannot be duplicated. This song was one of my summer anthems when I was 12 years old, it made me want to rock a flannel button-up and a wool skully in July. I wore this tape out. You're welcome.

Trailer: RoboCop

Let it be known that all major Hollywood studios will not rest until every movie icon from the 1980s is remade and revamped. I can see it now..."Vin Diesel as Sylvester Stallone as Cobra" or "Zac Efron goes back in time to 1992 in a Toyota Prius time machine in Back to the Future!" I literally had to swallow back a little bit of vomit as I typed that.

It's happening people, our childhood has become nostalgic fodder to be reheated like a cheap TV dinner by Hollywood execs.  It's only a matter of time before they snatch up The Goonies and The Gremlins.

Now normally I am the first one to write-off a remake (they should have left The Karate Kid & Total Recall alone), but I must say, after watching this trailer for retooled RoboCop, I'm mildly excited about seeing the final product.  It looks like they gave the RoboCop character more of a human element, and more awareness that he has been made into somewhat of a law enforcement monster. 

The movie drops in 2014, and it should be a contender for highest grossing, and why shouldn't it be? It's got Samuel "Muthaphuckin'" Jackson in a wig. Check out the trailer. You're welcome.

Mike Patton: Top 11

I can't stop talking about Mike Patton.

Mike Patton is the lead singer for Faith No More, Mr. Bungle, Fantomas, Tomahawk, Peeping Tom, and has appeared on many other projects as well.

I feel like Mike Patton has made some of the greatest music of all time, and will continue to do so for a while. The man picks projects to simply work with people he hasn't before, so he can grow musically.  This is a sign of a great artist.  The sad fact is, he's not really known for anything other than his singing duties in Faith No More.  Mike Patton is an artist that goes from hip hop to classical, and does it all with ease.

Glove Love

Recently Gary Payton did an interview where he said John Stockton was the hardest person he ever had to guard. Those unfamiliar with Gary Payton, he is a NBA Defensive Player Of The Year winner. He has been on multiple NBA All-Defensive teams, and next to Scottie Pippen, he is arguably the best on-ball defender in NBA history.

Live Stream: Jay Z & Budweiser's Made In America Music Festival

It's official! Jay-Z can do no wrong.

Today is the first day of the 2nd annual Budweiser sponsored Made In America Music Festival that Mr. Carter spear-headed. Philadelphia serves as the setting for this melting pot of musical tastes. This year Hov has a line up that makes Lollapalooza look like a high school talent show.

Not only is the 2 day weekend extravaganza being headlined by Beyonce & Nine Inch Nails, but it boasts a line-up that features Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, Miguel, Kendrick Lamar, Calvin Harris and a ton of other very musically inclined individuals and groups.

Public Enemy is there dammit!!!

For those not lucky enough to make it to Philly for the weekend, here is the live stream for the event. This is a stream from the Rocky & Liberty stages. For streams of the Skate and Freedom stages, click the link up above. If you close your eyes, you almost feel like you're in a mile-long line for the porta-potty. You're welcome.

Fall TV Preview: Watch The Mindy Project. UPDATE

Listen people, I'm not a big fan of the whole, "I'll just binge watch that show when it hits Netflix," generation. This is mainly because when shows really start to hit their stride, nobody is there to see it.  Happy Endings went from "mediocre comedy" to "hilarious TV" at the start of the 3rd season, and I feel like I was the only one watching it.  Then it got cancelled. At least Community will get the 5th (4th A) season it deserves.

New Music: Classic Kobe Edition

Quality music seems to be coming out at a feverish rate lately. Maybe artists are trying to make that last ditch effort to get a summer anthem on the airwaves (yeah, like Robin Thicke would ever allow that). Whatever it may be, I like it. and I hope it continues. Once again, my lazy ass doesn't feel like producing 8 separate posts for the heat I discovered this week, so I lumped them all in one. Enjoy.

The Curious Case of Miley Cyrus

The 2013 Video Music Awards (the VMAs for all you cool cats) aired on MTV (Music Television for all you old cats) this past Sunday, and I didn't watch. I'm sorry, I just refuse to legitimize a music award show produced by a network that has the word "music" in its name and devotes less than 10% of its programming to music, but that's another post for another time.

So there I was, watching Low Winter Sun on AMC (consider this my official endorsement), and around the 9:04 mark, all hell seemed to break loose on Facebook. The focus of the outrage, Miley "Don't Call Me Hannah Montana" Cyrus' performance.

Lady Porn (Let's call it what it is.)

50 Shades of Grey:  The Bizzaro Affect.

So, I was there in 2008 San Diego for the big Comic Con reveal of Twilight.  Not because of Twilight, because I'm a nerd and was there with a bachelor party for the Mystery Science Theater 3000 reunion. We do it big.  A friend of mine and I got lost, (the place is huge) and we wound up coming out on the back end of the convention center.  There were hundreds of women out there screaming and shouting, so we thought something amazing was happening.  We pulled one of the lovely ladies aside (which ranged in age from 12-60) and asked, "What's all this about?"

Daily Throwback: Aloe Blacc - I Need A Dollar

Today the Shuffle God must have sensed that I am about engaged in warfare on the battle ground known as...well, let's just call it "the second job" (don't want to burn bridges, you never know where future advertising dollars may come from). This is the definition of a "struggle song."  Many of you may remember it from being the theme song to the very entertaining, but short-lived, HBO show How To Make It In America. I don't know about you, but I can definitely relate. Dollars is ALWAYS what I need. You're welcome...hey, hey!

Bat-Fleck Rises!

So, Ben Affleck is the new Batman.

I'm not upset about this, but as of right now, the internet is ablaze with nerd rage.

POOF: Father MC

Welcome back to my homage to VH-1's Behind The Music. The focus of my attention this time is Father MC.

New Music: A Bunch of Stuff

Good evening. I realized I've been so busy getting others to post, that I've been neglecting my readers...all eight of you. So, I decided to neglect my wife for a few minutes and hit you with a post.  I only got a few minutes before she hits me with a few hard "sighs" and asks me "whatcha doing?", which really translates into "get the f-ck off the computer, dickhead...NOW!!!", so I'll make it quick.

I figured what better way to get re-acquainted with my audience than to scour the interweb and find a new song to hit you with. Instead I found five. Usually, each new song gets it's own post, but as the old black lady from YouTube says, "ain't nobody got time for that!" You get a five pack today, you're welc...oops not yet.

The Return of Deltron

Deltron: Event II.

This is an album I’ve really been looking forward to.  Hands down, Del is one of my all-time favorite rappers, but he hasn’t had a whole lot of commercial success.  Don’t get me wrong, Clint Eastwood by the Gorillaz was huge, but NOBODY attributes that to Del.